My Journey - Shantay's Story
My Journey…
My name is Shantay Anderson. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
I came to the Shelter from the Storm support group with a tiny bit of knowledge. I understood that I am a triune being … there are 3 parts of me – my body, my soul and my spirit. My soul houses my mind, will, and emotions – the very essence of what makes me; me. I also understood that when I was raped the ramifications of such a terrible wretched offense was (and is) equivalent to injecting a vile of poison into my soul. Being raped affected and infected everything about me. I was desperately wounded and didn’t realize the depth of just how sick I was until this semester.
Rape - to me is epitome of evil. Childhood sexual abuse literally was/is the one of the best tools of the enemy to rob people of who they really are. Once a child is raped the real them is hidden in the past – locked inside their childhood – imagine a six year old little girl in a closet, hiding behind the hanging clothes and beyond the luggage sitting on shoes and purses. She’s sitting in the dark crying. She won’t leave; she can’t leave because she’s being held hostage by fear, shame and guilt. She doesn’t know who she is – she just wants to be safe and protected yet daily she’s not. The image of that little girl is horrific to me. I am a Christian and I try to think Christ centered thoughts and with this image in my mind, my questions began. So why would an all loving, just and perfect God allow this to happen to me? If God knew how being raped would affect me why allow me/us to go through such trauma?
This “semester” I battled hard with God. The very image of Daddy God was challenged. I needed God himself – not any of his children to answer me. I didn’t want a prophet to prophecy and I didn’t want a preacher to preach it. I didn’t want churchy jargon or clichés. I wanted God himself to tell me what was up. I was mad and confused. Please understand I never stopped loving Jesus and I was never in danger of serving another deity – serving Satan was never an option. However, there was a huge problem – this boulder of a question was blocking mine and God’s relationship. I had drawn a proverbial line in the sand and asked God for an explanation.
Please hear me! I have read so many books that talk about the miracle working power of God. The Bible itself is full of them. In the Old Testament - When God sent the death angel and the death angel passed over all the 1st born covered under the blood and killed those that were not … or when the children of Israel were stranded at the Red Sea and God parted an entire sea so his people would be safe. Or recently I read a book that talked about a woman walking to her car at night alone and some men were going to attack her. Out of nowhere two angels appear and scare the bad guys away. Well, what about me? I needed to be rescued. To me God’s character was at stake in my life. I know what Shelter says about the person’s free will and that it wasn’t God’s fault. I got that and okayyyyy. But I didn’t care about someone else’s will; I cared about my God’s will. He could have stopped it. Rape could NOT have been his will for me. He is an all-powerful God. He is an all knowing God. Why didn’t he stop it? He KNEW what this would do to me; all the crying, the sobbing, the deep dark depression, the anger and pain of it all and at times, just steps from a nervous breakdown. God, what was up? I heard nothing. So, I stopped speaking to God - I stopped reading my Bible, I stopped praying – I refused to hear the cliché that says that I was raped for my ministry’s sake; that’s crap and it’s not true. I needed an answer and I was not going to move any further till I had an answer. Truthfully, I really didn’t know how to go forward.
Then one day I was on my way home from work. I was riding in the car with no music and no radio … just me. I had just gotten off the freeway and was stopping at the light to go to my home. I heard the Lord speak. God told me that He didn’t stop it because the offense would not stop HIS plan for MY life -- if I didn’t allow it to.
Then, maybe that night or not too long after that I had a dream. I was in one of the houses that I was abused in. I was lying on the floor on my back in the middle of the living room and a fire – with bright red, orange and blue flames engulfed me. I was surrounded by this fire. I tried to get up, but I saw a hand push me gently back down. As I lay there I struggled in the fire. Then I saw the same hand that pushed me down reach out to me and the hand waited for me to respond. I held my hand up and I took hand. The hand held me. There were flames came from that hand and met mine and it was the same flame - That was God letting me know that he was in the fire with me. In that same dream I thought what I had experienced wasn’t real and that I had just imagined it. I was standing up and looking around the same room and saw that the cross with disheveled bricks around the base had been embedded in the wall of the house. Both the bricks and the cross had been burned.
The Lord let me know, that he is with me in the healing process… he said he would NEVER leave me or forsake me. God has helped me and is going to help me survive because of His plan for my life. I am back to praying. I read the Word. I fast. I say my confessions. I am not so angry at God anymore. I set my mind to forgive. I now understand the word of God is not just easy reading for my enjoyment – it is a weapon – a sword to be used because salvation alone is not enough. I use scripture to battle my way out of depression because I put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. And when I say no weapon formed against me shall prosper – it has taken on a whole new meaning.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
I love Jesus and Jesus is my Lord.
Elder Shantay Anderson - May 2011
