I Found My Voice
Are you a silent screamer who took your voice back. Tell us about it. First name or full name, age, how old were you when you were sexually abused or assaulted. What type of assault was it. How old were you when you took your voice back. Submit form below and I will add your testimony to this page. Read testimonies below.
- First Name:
- Age Now:
- How old were you when the assault or abuse occurred?
- How old were you when you took your voice back?
- What type of assault was it?
If "Other" state what type hear- Your Story:
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Susan Cash age 44 was assualted at the ages of 8 and 19. At age 23 she found her voice. Here is Susan's story.
I was 8 or 9 whn my twin brothers started grooming me. The abuse started by them exposing me to porn and went to full blown forced oral sodomy and rape. I never told. I was silent, as they threatened harm to me and others in my family. That abuse coupled with the silence, perpetuated me into many years of self-loathing and destructive behavior.
Then at the age of 19, while away from home attending school, I was abducted, shot, forced into oral copulation, raped repeatedly and anally sodomized. "The monster" as I called him, beat me and tormented me, all the while pomising over and over to blow my head off. I was left to die (I believe) under an old, disgusting abandoned house. GOD had better intentions and showered me with grace. He did this several ways. As a child being sexually abused I learned how to train my mind to escape. While being brutalized by "the monster" my mind did just that thru much of it-it left me. The other thing that happened while I laid under that old house, naked, bruised, and clinging to life was to pray like I had never prayed before. My greatest fear was that my parents would never know what had happened to me or ever find my body. A voice so clear, spoke to me and told me what to do. I was able to crawl out from under that house, climb a 4 foot high wall, climb a 8 ft. fence, 6 flights of
stairs, dodge a angry german sheppard and walk into an unlocked apartment where two men I knew helped me. There is no way to relay every detail on this blog of the night of July 1st 1985. Needless to say, I was in bad shape.
The bullet had ripped thru my liver and colon and had gone into my spinal column (breaking bone) and lodged a quarter of an inch from my spinal chord. There was nerve damage to my right leg, and several surgeries. The first was emergency exploratory and then 7 days later they removed as much of the bullet as they could. To this day I still set off alarms in stores-LOL. There was also (6 months later) surgery to remove a horrific case of vaginal warts. I was covered in them and for 3 months they tried burning them off of me w/ acid and finally had to resort to laser surgery. Ialso contracted herpes from my assailant-I am challenged by it to this day but deal very well with it.
There is no way to relay what this mans choices did to me, my family and my friends. He haunted me for years in my waking and sleeping, coming and going. It impacted EVERY fiber of my being. A year after the assault, I had what they called a nervous breakdown (hate that term). I could no longer deal with what had been done to me in silence or alone. I admitted myself into a mental institution and was there for 3 months. It was by far, the first pro-active, most empowering thing I could have done for myself. It was either do it or die. I worked my butt off in that place and when it came time to leave, surprisingly I didnt want to. It had been a safe haven for me and I made many friends who accepted me and supported me.
Through the next few years I did fairly well. I still had some really bad days and nights. I developed a sleep disorder, nightmares every time my eyes closed, eating disorder, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, and the list could go on and on.
Six years after my assault I married and had two beautiful, precious children. They are the brightest shining jewels in my crown. But the depression and all the other stuff continued. I was constantly in therapy working to overcome. At night my prayer was always the same, "GOD eiher take me out of this pit of hell or take my life!" Every morning Id awake with the heaviest heart that my prayer had not been answered-I was still breathing.
Fouteen years, and once again suicidal (actively planning my death) GOD began to answer my prayer. I discovered a PTSD program for rape survivors at Emory University. I went thru a 5 hour evaluation and was FINALLY diagnosed with the chronic form of PTSD and a generalized anxiety disorder. PRAISE GOD! It was my greatest turning point. For 3 months, 2 times a week, I made the 2 hour journey to Emory. Once again, it was do or die. Emory used the treatment method of EMDR (eyemovement descensidization reprocessing)on me. It sounded like voodoo but I was willing to do anything and Emory and the treatment saved my life!
That was 11 years ago. Since my treatment, I have never had another nightmare, intrusive thought or flashback. The event that changed my very existance was no longer painful. GOD finally took me out of the pit of hell and released me. I have been able to find forgiveness (now days i just pray for him when he crosses my mind) not only for 'the monster", but for my brothers as well. I even confronted my brothers and was able to forgive them. We now have a healthy relationship free of secrets and silence. We actually talk about it. I believe those things combined set my brothers free in some ways.
These days (about to celebrate my 25th anniversary) my life is exceptional and I feel joy every day. For the last 7 and a half years I have run a rape crisis center, where we serve, advocate and support adult survivors for 3 counties. I am no longer silent-I speak all across the state of Georgia at Colleges, High Schools, Churches, Law Enforcement Trainings, Victim Conventions-anywhere they'll listen. For the last 6 years, I have been researching, investigating and advocating for my case-for that 19 year old who never had an advocate. If interested, you may read more about my case by googling "Trashing the Truth"-an investigative report by The Denver Post. Although there are numerous updates since that report was done.
So...the saga continues but Im great, Life is GOOD and GOD has shown me many miracles in my lifetime. I am surrounded by family and friends, many moments of laughter, and two beautiful and very rotten children-LOL! I do not know too many people who wake up every day knowing their purpose in this world. GOD took one of the worst days of my life and turned it into one of the greatest adventures of my life. For every time I felt alone, misunderstood, weak, afraid, freakish, ashamed, guilty etc...he alone has replaced those feelings with feelings of empowerment, understanding, wholeness, healing, love, triumph, joy! For me...SILENCE is NEVER an option, COMPLACENCY is not in my vocabulary, and GIVING UP for me is NEVER the way out! DO NOT EVER EVER GIVE UP! If you do the silence will continue and you dont get to see or know or write the rest of your story! By speaking your truth, you too can be set free!
June 2010
Gwendolyn age 51 was assaulted from age 12 to 17. At age 41 she found her voice. Here is Gwendolyn's story. Yeh!!Gwen!!!!!
As I look back the journey to emotional healing has been long and plagued with setbacks, fear and frustration. I was sexually abused by my mother’s boyfriend/husband for five years from ages 12-17. Experiencing this betrayal from an authority figure in my life was both heartbreaking and confusing. Nevertheless, the worse was yet to come. When I finally gained the courage to tell what was happening to me my mother didn’t believe, protect, or support me. That’s when heartbreak led to devastation and I internalized all the hurt, pain and anger.
In early adulthood I played the role and wore the mask that I had it together and life was good. I moved on through life by starting a career, married and had two children, and gained all the trimmings of material success. To look at me externally I was living the dream and I was no different than anyone else. But on the inside it was another story. I was full of fear, perfectionism, anger and distrust of other people and my relationships suffered because of it.
When I finally sought help it wasn’t due to the sexual abuse I experienced as an adolescent. I came to counseling in my thirties because my life was spiraling emotionally out of control due to excessive crying, physically fatigued, prolonged periods of anger and spending hours upon hours sleeping. It was in counseling that I came to terms with the depression and the pent up anger I had carried for years due to the betrayal, abandonment, and rejection related to the sexual violation. I was in denial. Not in denial that the abuse had occurred but in denial that it was impacting my life. I didn’t connect the dots to the past and the present.
After joining a sexual abuse recovery group the following year my life started to make sense for the first time. I was normal in light of what I had experienced in childhood. I began the step by step process of coming out of the darkness of false shame, false guilt, secrecy and denial into the light of truth, peace, and freedom. I found out that healing from sexual abuse is not an overnight occurrence. Many times survivors are looking for a quick fix but in reality it takes time for restoration and transformation to occur. When we continue to confront the painful memories, negative emotions and the misbeliefs we have believed about the abuse and about ourselves we will reach our destination of emotional wholeness and stability. The important thing is for each individual to make the choice to heal when they have been emotionally wounded by the trauma of sexual abuse.
My abuser and co-abusers silenced my voice for many years but because I’ve taken the journey toward healing I will not be silent no more. A crime was committed against me and I’m now able to stand and speak out against this injustice for the sake of my future and others. Take the journey! It is worth it. You’re worth it. As I look back now I’m so thankful and grateful I made the choice to heal. It is in the journey that you regain your voice, your power and your dignity that rightfully belong to you. Then you will not only be a survivor who survived the abuse but an overcomer who can now experience life with meaning and purpose without the negative effects of the past.
June 2010
Linda, age 57 was assaulted at ages 11& 12 by a family friend. She found her Voice at age 51. Here is Linda's story
I was rape by a friend of family. My mom best friend son who would wait for me in the hallway. I would run down the stair's out the door everyday going to school. He was out of school, older guy. Once in my basement raped,other I had to go to the store with him for mom, his mom. Raped in car. Never said a word even to this day to my mom who is 80. I didn't want her to blame herself from not protecting me being she had 7 kids. It haunted me for many years, I over protected my child later in life, didn't trust anyone, wouldn't let her go stay the night over anyone house. Took her where she had to go,picked her up. Didn't trust men too much. It changed my life. I wish my mom had noticed the change in me, but she didn't. I remember my report card saying your child is great in process of learning, energetic, pay attention,but talkative.mom would signed it. next one after the rape, your child seem's disinterest in her school work, not working up to ability. Mom writes will talk to her.
There are signs. please watch your children's, ask them question's, and if something seems to change with them communicate with your children. Because you have close friends and they're alright with you that doesn't mean they will be the same with your child. if your child was a happy go lucky child, then turns to be sad or quiet or don't want to be bother, don't want to go places no more look for red signs, it should be flashing in your face' protect your children. I was told if I told my mom she wouldn't think the same about me.
My dad was in and out so I couldn't talk to him, but mean as he was if I had told him the guy wouldn't have lived to talk about it. Father's you need to undergird your family more instead of the streets. It affect's how you communicate with people, with men especially, at that age growing up. I thank God he was with me, I could have turned to the street's, but I kept silently to myself for many years at that time a afraid of becoming pregnant being I had a cycle at that age. I told my husband, my daughter, my sister during the years, but it still took many many years to let go. I though I had got over it by myself, but it was still deep down in my soul waiting to come out. That didn't happen till one day my mentor who was a minister back home told me to write everything down that I was dealing with and things I wanted God to change in my life for the better,and it all came right back out why?" because I though over all these years keeping silence to myself I dealt with it, but really I had just buried it in my mind, but never ask God to take it away from me.
I remember at a women's conference at my previous church one minister spoke on abuse, rape and ask the women to come forth for healing. I went up knowing my mom was there, and I could remember a minister came from around the altar and touch me and I started feeling heat coming from the bottom of my belly moving forward and about the time it had reached my chest I didn't know what was happening so I came out of prayer's because it frighten me. Later I asked what was happening to me, why was I feeling heat rising upward, she tod me God was trying to heal me from all the pain I had experience.
Few years later after that my mentor who was a praying minister told me one day to write everything on paper, I did and we sat down after bible study and went over everything I had written of all I went through, was dealing with, and what I was praying for, and the rape came back up because I never let it go, just buried it, but Thank God when he said now let's take it all to the altar and cry out to God for a healing and deliverance. I did and I felt free after that. I was then 51 years of age. All those years I thought I was handling it, but I needed God to release it from me for ever in order to feel free in the mind, and spirit. I still get angry when I hear of another assault of any kind of rape, praying for them young and old.
We need stiffer laws to protect the females from such act. They need to be castrated so they won't hurt another person. Then put in jail for the rest of their lives.Stay strong and have faith that God hasn't forgotten you and he know's you are living in silence as I did for many years of not knowing who to trust or who would understand what you've been through. Just know God is there for you to heal you and he can work out miracles when all seem's to be hopeless. God Bless, reach out to another sister with your story so she can come into the light out of darkness with no shame just strength.
August 2010
TRINA HUCKABEE age 44, was raped by a two uncles when she from 4 years old to 11 years old. At age 38 Trina found her voice. Her is her story.
I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS BOUT FOUR WHEN I TRIED TO TELL SOMEONE SOMEONE I WAS 6 AT THE TIME HAD 2 UNCLE WHICH THATS WHAT I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY GR/PARENTS HAD A CLEANERS MY MOM WORKED TRYING TO DO WHAT SHE COULD TO RAISE US BUT THIS ONE DAY ONE OF THEM TOOK ME TO BACK OF CLEANERS HE WAS ALWAYS SO NICE TO ME I DIDNT UNDERSTAND WHAT IT WAS THEN BUT I DO NOW HE HAD THIS BIG PLASTIS TOY I THOUGHT HE SAID LAY DOWN AND I CAN REMEMBER IT WAS PAINFUL AND MY OTHER UNCLE WALKED IN I THOUGHT AFTER HE SAID TO HIM WHAT R YOU DOING IT WOULD STOP BUT IT DIDNT HE JOIN IN I BLACKED OUT OR SUMTHING THEY STOP OR SUMTHING HAPPEN .
FIRSTCHANCE I GOT I RAN AWAY IT WAS A OLD MAN THAT USE TO CUM TO CLEANERS ALL THE TIME .HE SAW ME I WAS BOUT TO TELL HIM BUT AUNT SAW ME AND THOUGHT THE MAN TRIED TO SNATCH ME .I WISHED HE WOULD HAVE CUZ WENT BACK WITH HER ONLY IN RETURN TO GET A BEATING FOR RUNNING AWAY .THIS ONLY GOT WORSE IT WENT ON TIL I WAS 11 .BY THAT TIME MY MOM HAD MOVED INTO THE HANDS OF ANOTHER HER MALE WAS VERY DEVELOPED BY THEN I THOUGHT THIS HAPPEN TO ME CUZ I HAD PIGMENTATION BAD THOUGHT THIS WAS THE WAY IT WAS SUSPOSE TO BE ...UNTIL I DECIDED OKAY TELL MY BUT IT WAS LIKE A JOKE I PRETENNDED TO BE SLEEP PLENTY OF NITES SO I BEGAN TO DROWN MYSELF IN MY BOOKS SCHOOL WHATEVER I COULD DO OTHER THAN BE HOME ...
BRINGING MY EARLY ADULT LIFE PEOPLE CAN SAY PUSH STUFF UNDER TABLES AND TELL YOU TO FORgIVE THESE DEMONS QUICKLY BUT YOU REALLY CANT IF YOU CANT FORGIVE YOURSELF /I RECENTLY TURNED BACK TO GOD CUZ THIS HAS SURFACE IN MY LIFE BY NOT BEING ABLE TO TRUST PEOPLE /AND HAVING ANXIETY ATTACKS WHILE AM WORKING NOW MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUBBY OF 20 YRS HE HAS BEEN GREAT FOR ME CUZ MY FAMILY IS STILL IN DENIAL THEY WANT ME TO ACT LIKE THIS HAS NEVER HAPPEN BUT I CANT EVERY TIME I SEE THOSE DEMONS THAT ARE LIVING I CRINGE THEY ARE ILL NOW AND WANT ME TO FEEL SORRY FOR THEM .WELL THEY NEVER ASKED FOR MY FORGIVNESS ..
Erin age 35 was sexual abused at the ages of 7,9 , 13 ans 15. At ages 7 and 9 she was molested. At age 15 she was raped by boyfriend. At 15 she was gan raped. Here is her statement.
When I was 7 I was molested by a friends brother whom I was sleeping over, then again at age 9 to point of climax by same sex who was friend of families child, again sleeping over. At 13 I was raped by a 19 yr old boyfriend, at 15 I was gang raped but did not remember until later due to black out from alchol. I am now as happily married as I can be, there is almost 0 intimacy. I have 3 beautiful children whom I am very over protected of.
